Prep for Colonoscopy #3

I have another colonoscopy scheduled for early Monday morning.  It seems to me at this point that they should create some sort of version of a "Fast Check-out Lane" for veterans of this procedure.  Maybe like they have at the airport; just give your special card to the guard at the gate, and you skip ahead of everyone else.  Last time, I found myself giving one of the nurses advice on her bedside manner as she was instructing me on what was about to happen.  I discovered that she had never had a colonoscopy before.  I think if the police have to be Tasered before they can use a Taser, then everyone on hand for a colonoscopy should experience the joys of prepping for this anti-climactic procedure.

If you've never had one of these, then you're probably worried about what the doctor's going to do.  Don't be.  Sure, he's going to inflate you like a Macy Day Parade float, probably using a shop vac.  Then he'll use the camera that Roto-Rooter uses to check clogged sewer lines and to find puppies that have fallen into wells - for all I know they may just call a plumber to do the colonoscopy for them.  The good news is that ignorance is a wonderful sleep-laden bliss!  The actual colonoscopy is the easy part.  If you are lying on the hospital bed, wrapped in that handkerchief they call a gown, congratulations are in order.  You've already survived the worst part...

The day before your procedure, you'll be living on nothing but liquids.  Since starvation isn't enough torture, you'll also drink enough laxatives to keep grandpa regular for two weeks - in two hours.  If slamming down a 64 ounce laxative-laced drink doesn't make you vomit, then that just means you'll have more to contend with on the toilet.  You shouldn't expect to sleep, but should expect to endure the most inhumane thing doctors ever invented - no, not a colonoscopy, but the cleansing of the colon...and you're small intestines...and I'm fairly certain a small piece of who you is washed away in all of this.  By the time you are wheeled into the room for the procedure 24 - 30 hours after all of this began, you'll feel like you just spent the last week in Hell.  When you roll over on your side and pull your knees toward your chest, like the doctor asked, a part of you doesn't care anymore.  Suddenly, the pillow your head is on feels softer than any pillow you've ever slept on; the bed will offer a level of comfort you never thought possible. It's almost as if you could just fall asleep right here, right now...

When you wake up, the procedure is all over.  You are asked to pass gas by the nurse - you're still inflated remember?  Once you can accomplish this task, you're helped into a wheelchair, taken to your car, and driven home by a friend, where you can sleep as long as you want.

While it's going to be routine for me, this third colonoscopy of mine will be a little different for my gastro, as I'm hoping he gets to see and take pictures of my hookworm colony.  What I'm really hoping for is that he can get a head count on the number of hookworms living there (or is it here?).